“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.”

- The 23rd Psalm

I have had an epiphany: I am incredibly blessed. Not in material things or superficial qualities, but in doing things I truly love, and having people in my life that fill my heart with unspeakable joy.

Like I mentioned in my last post, 2009 was a year of tremendous learning and experience for me. But a happy year? Not quite. It was an experiment in misery. I spent a good portion of my time feeling bad for myself, wondering why the world had dealt me such a rotten hand. Every job interview I went on, I only went with the idea that I needed to get a JOB. No joy, no desire, no ambition. Just finding my next stop along the way. I had friends who loved me, supported me, and wanted to cheer me up. Did I accept their love? Nope. Instead, I closed myself off to everyone most of the time, instead choosing to wallow in my self imposed solace.

This isn’t to say it was all bad- there were happier moments. But looking back- I don’t think I was present for them. Physically, yes. Emotionally, no. I never allowed myself to feel the full intensity of the joy that these moments were supposed to give me. It was like I was watching life through a pair of dirty eye glasses: I could see just fine, but everything was kind of fuzzy- all the sweetness and joy in life was fogged over by my sad disposition.

These past few days have marked an momentous turn in my life. I have had wonderful moments with my friends, boyfriend, and family. More importantly, I have felt an incredible sense of joy in everything I do. What set off this post though, was an incredible outpouring of love that I felt from the important people in my life. I felt such a surge of appreciation, of happiness, that I burst into tears of joy. My boyfriend thought I was out of my mind, till I explained that I was merely happy. He said something that will never leave me- “Don’t cry and allow yourself to enjoy the fact that you deserve to be happy. ” I don’t think I ever realized that in all that time I was closing myself off, I was merely my own worst enemy. No one was denying me the opportunity to succeed or be happy except myself. I was focusing on the minute mediocrities of the day to day, instead of embracing the incredible blessings.

I am looking forward to this year being one of many moments of joy, success and appreciation for all the things life has blessed me with. Take a moment and relish all of the joys in your lives. Allow yourselves to be happy- you deserve it.